Sean Parker
There is no shortage these days of charming anthology horror flicks coming out of the independent horror sector. With plenty of opportunity for a director to put their horror skills on display in a well-condensed package, anthologies are a fantastic way for up-and-coming talent to breathe some of their darkest ideas to life. Last week’s Screambox release, Cryptids, attempts to do exactly that. You may not have heard of names like John William Holt or Zane Hershberger, even though you may have already seen some of their work in the 10/31 anthology films. Though this time, they’re not focusing on Halloween ghosts and goblins (well, one of them does), but exposing their audience to the vast world of monstrous local legends.
Ok, before we dive into what Cryptids offers, it may be worth noting why the film captures our attention in the first place. Joe Bob Briggs’ presence in the movie certainly elevates Cryptids as an endorsement. There’s an association that if Briggs is in it, then he probably genuinely enjoys something about the part he’s playing. Briggs’ show, The Last Drive-In, is a lovingly curated selection of underground favorites being introduced in campfire fashion, sometimes with guests spilling secrets or Briggs telling documented stories about the films. In Cryptids, his character operates similarly, playing radio host Harlan Dean, who introduces the topic of bizarre creature confrontations, and his audience calls in to share their stories. Once the tales begin, weird things start happening in the studio. Briggs’ overarching story in the film is the glue that cohesively connects Cryptids as an anthology.
The first story Briggs’ character Harlan Dean hears on air is called “The Melonheads.” My first impression of the contained short comes down to the delivery of lines by The Melonheads cast. I can’t tell if the audio for the entire segment was done in ADR or if the acting is somewhat austere. Regardless, it’s horror. It isn’t anything we haven’t seen in giallos or other Italian features. However, it may be particularly more noticeable because dialogue like “Here’s to the chick with the big balls” isn’t particularly good either.
“The Melonheads” is Zane Hershberger’s segment in Cryptids. The director has offered up some fun throughout the 10/31 films, but with The Mellonheads things move very fast, the film is just under ninety minutes altogether, and the piece never achieves the level of atmosphere it’s going for. As for the plot, it isn’t exactly imaginative, either. Cryptids’ first story is a campfire tale similar to the moments in the Friday the 13th films right before the subject of the story attacks from behind a darkly lit tree. That is to say, you already know what’s coming. Still, there is some fun to be had once you’re onboard.
I single out “The Melonheads” because it is the segment Cryptids starts on, and I can imagine a few fans may have difficulty getting into the film. What “Melonheads” gets a lot of credit for is its fantastic use and commitment to practical effects. Throats are ripped out, intestines are eaten, facial features are distorted, and it’s glorious. The effects are so beguilingly satisfying for horror fans that none of the other stuff even bothers us. And that segment is just the tip of the carving knife. That tradition continues throughout the film’s remaining segments, “Bigfoot,” “The Loveland Frogman,” “Hopkinsville Goblins,” “Chupacabra Death Machines,” “The Dover Demon,” and “The Beast of Bladenboro.”
Each segment in Cryptids has its charms, and I felt that the film only got better after “The Melonheads.” “Bigfoot” gets really dark as two rescue workers find a woman who went missing in the woods, only to stumble upon the monster who assaulted her. “Frogman” may have been my favorite because, well, “Frogman F*cks,” but also, John William Holt’s telling is so jaw-droppingly insane I couldn’t peel my eyes away. While I enjoyed “Chupacabra Death Machines” and “The Dover Demon” following the segment, “The Loveland Frogman” is the absolute peak of Cryptids. It’s entertaining, funny, and has some unexpected scares.
Max Groan’s “The Dover Demon” follows a couple of skateboard punks filming their tricks and nonsense when they stumble upon an alien being and bring it to their conspiratorial friend. The segment incorporates some amazing effects into a found footage storyline, which generally doesn’t work great as found footage, given the way portions of it are shot. It’s a mainly gray area since we don’t have to worry about getting motion sickness while watching the segment, and generally, the effects cap this one off nicely.
In Billy’ Bloody Bill’ Pon’s “Chupacabra Death Machines,” the cartel kidnaps its enemies and places wagers on their survival against a couple of Chupacabras in a labyrinth of a warehouse. The story is encapsulated well, though its effects are a little rough. I could see this segment being conceptualized into a larger concept. It has the political components, a monster that has never received enough screen time, and a premise worth expanding.
While anthology movies can be great for finding new directors’ work and introducing new concepts, Cryptids does fall short as an experience. I think everyone will find a segment they enjoy here, and since the movie is quick, they’re never stuck on any one subject for too long. However, the overall feeling after watching Cryptids is very middling. Everything here operates on tight budgets and even tighter time constraints, and while some of the work is truly creative, the segments aren’t expansive enough to induce captivating terror. There’s very little character connection, and most scares are fleeting. Cryptids isn’t essential watching by any measure, but for the group of us that love independent horror, you will find something worth eighty-six minutes.
Cryptids is now streaming exclusively on Screambox.
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Major Harlan Dean (Joe Bob Briggs – ‘Shudder’s The Last Drive-In’ and ‘TNT’s MonsterVision’) is the host of the widely popular radio show “The Truth Serum”, a platform which he discusses all things weird, unknown, and sometimes scary. On tonight’s broadcast, Harlan tackles the topic of Cryptozoology to coincide with the annual Mothman Festival in Point Pleasant, West Virginia.
